Well I seem to be making a monthly habit of posting so I thought I'd continue it. One of the things I've been doing is learning the ropes as a chaplain of a local primary school. Having gotten to know a few kids who are really hurting I feel like thinking about the strategy of our youth groups and children's ministries in the context of the changing nature/state of kids. I'm going to be making some pretty bold statements which hopefully may make u think and may even offend you but please don't shut off follow me through.
Point 1 Children are Changing.
And I don't mean for the better. There is a cultural slide down hill. Kids have no respect for authority figures in their day to day lives. Now I don't mean to sound like the old man sitting on the porch saying "these kids today have no respect" but lets have a look why. Firstly there is a break down in the whole family structure. Single parent kids aren't the exception in our schools they are almost the rule. Kids don't have a solid family structure so they aren't being taught how to interact with other people. It is a fight for what you have to, dog eat dog mentality. Now how can we expect a kid who is being bashed up at home to interact with other kids. he'll react and interact in the only way he's been taught: violence.
Kids have never been taught respect. and I don't mean bashing up respect, I'm talking about a respect that come from Love. A respect that comes from fairness. A respect that was taught to me by my dad in that I will get punished for what I do wrong but He still loves me. If a kid doesn't have a father or a loving parent they don't see the love: All they see is the beating. So what hope do we have of a grade 1 kid when he come to school and has never seen tough love before: he will run from punishment. He will swear at a teacher just like he has been sworn at. He will treat teachers just the same as he treats all the rest of the adults in his life. With the same contempt as Adults Treat Him.
Now I am talking about the minority here but this is happening rapidly. And our society and especially our 'Liberated Universities' wont recognize the break down of the family unit as an issue causing this problem. They talk about 'up-skilling' behavior management stragies they pump out drugs to help tone he kids down and mean while our the poor kids drift from school to school- teachers too scared to fail them because they might have them next year, counting the days till their old enough to drop out or their guardians pull them out of school (do we even have Truant Officers anymore?)
Now we bring in strategies to manage these behavior problems. We start good programs to deal with these issues. But the problem is the average grade 1/2/3/4/5/6/7 kid sees the energy and attention we are giving these 'bad' minority and is feeling un-loved themselves (due to the teacher spending more time with the bad kids)- sees in the problem the solution. I'll act up so I get more attention. and it WORKS. Then another kid does it and very rapidly there is a peer pressure in the class to be bad and the poor teacher has gone from having a couple of behavior problems to a host of them. So what does the teacher do? Yell Louder at them? (gets old quick and they are yelled at with a far larger vocabulary at home) Send them all to time out? (great half the class is there so they'll have fun). Send them to the principle's office? (They don't have much power anymore all they can do is threaten to call the parents (which works till grade 3 or so in some cases)). Suspend them... (Woohoo there is no one at home playstation all day or worse case I might get the belt as well tonight on top of the normal beating). You see in the past there was a peer pressure to be good now there is that pressure to be bad.
Well is this just the guys? Well no its girls too. It just manifests itself differently. Carly in her blog writes well of what is means to a girl to be loved.
This basic need isn't met destroying their self esteem and their view of their self-worth which i'll leave for others to talk about. But let me just say again Kids are different to what we were.
2 How do we deal with this in our Churches and Youth groups?
Well Firstly we need to leave the traditional sunday school method behind. Kids wont respond to being sat down and told about a father who loves them when they can't even understand love or even what a good father is.
Well then lets get kids in to play games and have fun and we'll talk about God for 5 minutes and
they'll see from us and how we interact we're just like them. Well No. kids will come because they are bored and some might find the love like a parent but we still aren't getting down to what needs to be fixed so they get bored of the same old games and the extreme fun and go off to the lastest fad or girlfriend or boyfriend that comes along. There is no difference from that to the afterschool program that they go to except the leaders are more easily manipulated. Eventually the leader burns out because the kids are just looking to take take take and they end up as babysitters.
Well I think I have the beginnings of the answer but I'm not going to just say it- I'm going to tell a story.
I was asked to have a chat to a kid who was being bullied and bullying in response. I was talking to him about how kids are different, talking about a kid who had a condition that was annoying this kid until he snapped (thinking to teach tolerance). And His response floored me. He said "Yes Isabelle is different (our Youth minister's kid) I started to tell him off for being mean and then asked 'how so?'
He said Being around her she doesn't let people get her annoyed- she doesn't respond much- she just does the right thing- she is different from most kids.
We discussed this more and he then proceeded to name both the other kids we have in our kids club as also being different EVEN though they are in the grade ABOVE him. Now out of 1000 kids he brought up 3 kids all of whom are 'different' and all are grounded Christians- not prefect Christians but Kids who are Christians.
So I think This is what we need to be doing in our churches and various ministries. Building up our kids- strengthening and equipping them to be able to live their lives as a witness. Preparing them to bring kids into our groups. And when these kids come in we need to be able to adapt. We can't be demanding respect like a teacher. We need to be building relationships with kids/teens. We need to be EARNING respect. How? by Loving them- by showing them we Want to spend time with them. Not Bossing them around but showing them how to do it. We need to be focusing on where that love comes from. You see Kids who find people different aren't going to just come seeking games. They want to know what makes the kid different. And if we have a bible group with the majority of loving Christians they will come in, some for the first time in their live in a group of love and joining in with the majority in striving to go good because that is the cool thing to do in the group. I'm not saying you can't still have games or they wont slip up but The MAIN FOCUS MUST BE DIRECTLY on GOD AND HIS WORD which is what makes us DIFFERENT from every other person they have ever met. And this completely changes our role as leaders. We need to be encouraging our kids, modeling Godly behaviors (being different like in Titus 2 older women showing younger women...) and just being there as support for our kids in this battlefield. But Most of all teaching them from God's word so they are able 'to stand firm in the faith'. Debriefing them, sharing in their good and bad times and being part of the loving foundation which they base their lives.
Our Christian Kids are the ones who are carrying the standard into this battle in our schools. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ENCOURAGE AND SUPPORT THEM IN THEIR MINISTRY?
1 comment:
Awesome blog Tim! I wanted to comment on two of the things that you mentioned..
1. Respect. The more time that I spend in schools, the more I realise just how poorly kids understand this concept. Kids are being raised to take hold of what they deserve, of what is owed to them, and such an egocentric view leaves no room for respect for authority or anyone else. Parents don't teach their kids respect, because often they lack it themselves. Obviously that's a massive generalisation that doesn't apply to everyone, or even most people, but it's certainly a growing trend. So then we have kids at school, who have no concept at all of respect, both of what it means to respect others, or to feel respected themselves... yet we still have teachers who expect kids to demonstrate respect. That's like giving a preppy the sum '10+4' and saying "Here. I know that you have never seem an addition sum before, and have no idea what addition means, but society values addition, so I want you to display the ability to add." It's not going to work. Kids can't demonstrate something that they have neither been shown or taught. So does that mean that teachers give up expecting their students to demonstrate respect? Of course not. It just means that we have to re-evaluate our expectations of students in light of societal changes, and lead by example.. which leads me to my next point...
2. Earning respect. I think you hit it on the head when you said that we earn respect by showing these kids love.. and by being 100% clear about where that love comes from. We need to interested in their lives, excited about what excites them, and willing to just listen.. we need to show them the love that we know, the love that gives us hope beyond doubt. This is missing in the lives of so many kids and it is heartbreaking, especially when kids don't experience this love at youth groups/kids clubs. It's hugely important that these are fun and exciting for the kids, but if this is the depth of our interaction with them, we're completely missing the point. We need to show the kids in our care that they are worthy of respect, and that through the love of Christ they are called to respect others.
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