Lack of bloggage

Well I've decided to bow to public pressure (who am I kidding???) and follow my esteemed peers Joel and Phoebe (who am I kidding- I just write a blog to try be like them) and write a blog appologising for my blogging or lack there of. I realise I am making a number of assumtions in this statement. Firstly I am assuming people actually check this or haven't deleted me off their google reader. Secondly I am making the assumption that they are actually my friends. Finally I am making the assumption that I will blog more. One or more of these assumptions may be incorrect. Now onto the obligatory excuses for not posting.
Well in all seriousness I've been struggling a fair bit. I guess the closest thing I could call it is depression but I'm not sure if it has been that. Maybe Aloneness (it isn't a I need to find a wife right now- its more of a I feel like my life is on a different orbit to everyone else) might be the better word but it is hard to track down. I've been struggling with this for about 2 years now and it comes and goes. Most people will not have noticed this. Do not feel bad if you haven't- this isn't aimed at you it is me who has needed to open up to people and I've had amply opportunity but haven't.
This affected my life in many ways--- and all of them are inter-twined and I'm sure I've missed noticing some but here are a few.
Firstly when I get depressed I eat- I know its bad for me but... this has meant I've put on more weight. This has impacted the amount of physical activity I do making more depressed and not to mention all the other issues that go with that.
Secondly I'm Kinda like a volcano or a high tensile (sp???) metal rod. I internalise many things and take heaps until I snap- or explode and some of the people I have snapped at haven't been the people I've been annoyed at- for this I appologise deeply. My behavior towards some people towards whom I've snapped mentally (not a big explosion but only in my mind) there has been no excuse for and against every type of behavior a christian should be living for. Again most of you who read my blog probably will not have noticed but I appologise deeply to anyone I've hurt, physically or emotionally, gossiped about or not been more friendly towards.

What this has ment is also an high level of apathy towards many things (especially my blog). Some one told me that I'm willing do do anything to help some one else but unwilling to help myself. I'm not meaning in a greedy way but am not looking after myself either physically, mentally or spiritually. I write this not as a cry for help but rather a step on the road to recovery. A public (again I delude myself) acknowledgment of my failings and a pledge to keep relying on God rather than this world or my emotions.
So hopefully this will mean some more blogs- I realise this will be a change from my usual lack of anything significant, preachy rants and humorous rubbish which I was posting to appear to be cultured. I also wont be hurt if you stop reading my blog if it is getting you down- please mail me if that is the case- as I can be very self absorbed in that or often say things I don't mean.

Listen to me, you islands;
hear this, you distant nations:
Before I was born the LORD called me;
from my birth he has made mention of my name.

He made my mouth like a sharpened sword,
in the shadow of his hand he hid me;
he made me into a polished arrow
and concealed me in his quiver.

He said to me, "You are my servant,
Israel, in whom I will display my splendor."

But I said, "I have labored to no purpose;
I have spent my strength in vain and for nothing.
Yet what is due me is in the LORD's hand,
and my reward is with my God."

And now the LORD says—
he who formed me in the womb to be his servant
to bring Jacob back to him
and gather Israel to himself,
for I am honored in the eyes of the LORD
and my God has been my strength-

he says:
"It is too small a thing for you to be my servant
to restore the tribes of Jacob
and bring back those of Israel I have kept.
I will also make you a light for the Gentiles,
that you may bring my salvation to the ends of the earth."

This is what the LORD says—
the Redeemer and Holy One of Israel—
to him who was despised and abhorred by the nation,
to the servant of rulers:
"Kings will see you and rise up,
princes will see and bow down,
because of the LORD, who is faithful,
the Holy One of Israel, who has chosen you."

This is what the LORD says:

"In the time of my favor I will answer you,
and in the day of salvation I will help you;
I will keep you and will make you
to be a covenant for the people,
to restore the land
and to reassign its desolate inheritances,

to say to the captives, 'Come out,'
and to those in darkness, 'Be free!'
"They will feed beside the roads
and find pasture on every barren hill.

They will neither hunger nor thirst,
nor will the desert heat or the sun beat upon them.
He who has compassion on them will guide them
and lead them beside springs of water.

I will turn all my mountains into roads,
and my highways will be raised up.

See, they will come from afar—
some from the north, some from the west,
some from the region of Aswan. "

Shout for joy, O heavens;
rejoice, O earth;
burst into song, ¹³ O mountains!
For the LORD comforts his people
and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me,
the Lord has forgotten me."

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!

See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.

Your sons hasten back,
and those who laid you waste depart from you.

Lift up your eyes and look around;
all your sons gather and come to you.
As surely as I live," declares the LORD,
"you will wear them all as ornaments;
you will put them on, like a bride.

"Though you were ruined and made desolate
and your land laid waste,
now you will be too small for your people,
and those who devoured you will be far away.

The children born during your bereavement
will yet say in your hearing,
'This place is too small for us;
give us more space to live in.'

Then you will say in your heart,
'Who bore me these?
I was bereaved and barren;
I was exiled and rejected.
Who brought these up?
I was left all alone,
but these—where have they come from?' "

This is what the Sovereign LORD says:
"See, I will beckon to the Gentiles,
I will lift up my banner to the peoples;
they will bring your sons in their arms
and carry your daughters on their shoulders.

Kings will be your foster fathers,
and their queens your nursing mothers.
They will bow down before you with their faces to the ground;
they will lick the dust at your feet.
Then you will know that I am the LORD;
those who hope in me will not be disappointed."

Can plunder be taken from warriors,
or captives rescued from the fierce ?

But this is what the LORD says:
"Yes, captives will be taken from warriors,
and plunder retrieved from the fierce;
I will contend with those who contend with you,
and your children I will save.

I will make your oppressors eat their own flesh;
they will be drunk on their own blood, as with wine.
Then all mankind will know
that I, the LORD, am your Savior,
your Redeemer, the Mighty One of Jacob."

Isaiah 49